I have not wrote in so long I do not even know where to begin except for right now and if I ever feel like I have the chance go back and do a lot of make up. James is gone again and has actually been gone for about 2 months. I have no idea what it is like to have him home and actually be an active part of our family any more. Nothing mean towards him it has just been what feels like years that he is never around. I know some say it is our choice and we do this to ourselves. But I do not think of it like that. I know he enjoys his job and it makes me want to be able to be strong for him. I want to be able to say good bye to James and know I can handle all that is coming my way. And I have to say for myself I normally do. But this deployment has been a whole new game. I have never in my life cried so much as I have this time. I feel like I am have a break down every other day. This has been the best week so far and the kids listened for the most part and we all got a lot done. I have been told so many times that I am a pillar of strength and that people just assume I can handle it because I always look like it I guess. I do not feel like that pillar. I feel like I have fallen over and am in a thousand little pieces that just do nothing now. It is so crummy to feeling like this. I hate not thinking of myself capable and knowing I can handle everything. It makes me feel weak. It is hard knowing that you have to do so much every day all day by yourself and not really ever get the help that you wish you had or sometimes really need. I am ready for this deployment to be over soon so I can hope that we will not have to be separated for a few more years. I know that our family struggles with this daily but we always handle it when it is over. The kids have their ways of dealing with it just like I do. Some times I just have to cry it out I guess and while it does make me feel weak I know it makes me feel better when I have cried. I guess it lets me know I am human. I am so grateful that heavenly father is here with me and can carry me when I just feel like I can not go any more. I am grateful for friends that step up to help even though I know they are alone with their kids too and having the same struggles I am. Thank you is all I can say.
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10 months ago
4 comments:
I love you, Tara!!!
It's hard to do sometimes, but when you really need help, don't sit back and wait for someone to offer, just ask! I know there are so many people who are willing to help you out in anyway you need. Because you do appear to have it so together, sometimes we just assume you do! So ask! Anytime, anything! We love you and are praying that the rest of this patrol goes quickly and smoothly.
Hang in there, Tara!
The situation we are in is completly stinky. Sometimes we just have to plug our noses and call it what it is.
And just because we all admire what a strong woman you are doesn't mean you always have to be strong. I'm a big believer in stepping back when you need to and letting the chips fall where they may. You don't always have to come through with flying colors.
James is so lucky to have you as his wife and as the mother of his children. You are wonderful and a source of inspiration to me when the going gets tough.
Tara; You do a great job being a MOM, WIFE and SISTER to your family. You want to make sure everything is correct and you want to make sure that it goes that way as well. I am the same way. You will see your way thru this and there are lots of people in your corner. I love you my precious child and I am here if you need me.
Love;
mom
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