Sunday, March 21, 2010

One special day

I had the opportunity to go up to the stake center today and help out with the Gladys Knight's Saints Unified Voices fireside. It was going to be a long day and I knew I was going to have to find some one who would keep my kids for the day but when the Bishop came in and asked for volunteers I raised my hand. I will be totally honest. My first thought was a day away from my kids, Oh yeah that is what I want. So I asked Casey and Sarah to come watch the kids for me and I went down today and was there for about 8 hours. It was truly amazing. I loved being able to see all the people as they seemed to have a bigger smile on as they walked into the Chapel and so excited to hear this. I truly felt the spirit tonight and in a different way. You would hear others who were consumed by the spirit saying Amen out loud and praise god. And while it is not our norm I was so thrilled that they were there to hear her powerful message and that they felt the spirit to feel so moved to share it. She says that one of the Primary songs was one of the first things she had heard when she first walked into our church and it was so simple. The song was I am a Child of God. She sang it with her choir and to hear her sing the song was so amazing. She sings a version you would never hear the primary kids sing but so powerful. I am so glad I can say I got to see it and offer my help. If it is ever near you YOU SHOULD GO. It is worth it.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


James pumpkin

Big James creation


Even though it is side ways this was the only pic we took that night. I thought back to how pathetic that was. I spent hours making the girls costumes and then only took one pic. I am such a goof.

Here is the pumpkin that Mackenzie wanted.

Here is Bethannie's

A new day

So since my last blog post was me more complaining then any thing else I thought I would do a better one for today. So I signed all the kids for dance class yes even James. They love it. We run three days a week to the dance place but it is so nice. I have Mackenzie in a Creative dance class. James is also in a creative dance class and then Bethannie is in Jazz and Ballet. They all love it. As soon as the weather wants to cooperate I will be glad to send the kids who are not dancing outside to play on the playground. But it seems to rain every day or be totally freezing so we stay inside and talk to all the other people waiting too. It is sad to think of all my kids getting as big as they are. But yesterday the weather was nice and so after school we went for a bike ride. It was nice to just go. So then I look at how big the kids are and think of all the things I am able to go do by myself with them and not worry to much about it. In a little over a month I am going to test my beliefs of doing anything with the kids by myself when we go to Myrtle beach for a week. I am so ready for that vacation. I literally day dream about it. 2 reasons. One I am ready to get away and just do nothing. not feel like I have to go to the gym and kick my butt for 2 hours. Not feel like I have a ton of running around to do, or church stuff to take care of. But second when we leave for the trip we are half way through this torture time called a deployment. I am so ready to know we are half done and only half more to go. I did not plan it like that but it is the way it worked out. On a totally different note my baby sister had a baby last week. He is one cute boy. I am so glad she is so close that I can go help her when she needs it but I also can go hold the baby and love on him. I miss having a little baby around but not enough to want to have another one. Not like we can any way but you know what I am saying. I will hold any ones baby who needs it and then I am more then glad to give them back and know I can go home and sleep all through the night and I do not have any diapers to change. Ahh bliss...... Any how that is what is really going on here at our home. It is crazy sometimes but it is the way I like it. I just wish some days were less crazy then others.

Monday, March 1, 2010

So long ago

I have not wrote in so long I do not even know where to begin except for right now and if I ever feel like I have the chance go back and do a lot of make up. James is gone again and has actually been gone for about 2 months. I have no idea what it is like to have him home and actually be an active part of our family any more. Nothing mean towards him it has just been what feels like years that he is never around. I know some say it is our choice and we do this to ourselves. But I do not think of it like that. I know he enjoys his job and it makes me want to be able to be strong for him. I want to be able to say good bye to James and know I can handle all that is coming my way. And I have to say for myself I normally do. But this deployment has been a whole new game. I have never in my life cried so much as I have this time. I feel like I am have a break down every other day. This has been the best week so far and the kids listened for the most part and we all got a lot done. I have been told so many times that I am a pillar of strength and that people just assume I can handle it because I always look like it I guess. I do not feel like that pillar. I feel like I have fallen over and am in a thousand little pieces that just do nothing now. It is so crummy to feeling like this. I hate not thinking of myself capable and knowing I can handle everything. It makes me feel weak. It is hard knowing that you have to do so much every day all day by yourself and not really ever get the help that you wish you had or sometimes really need. I am ready for this deployment to be over soon so I can hope that we will not have to be separated for a few more years. I know that our family struggles with this daily but we always handle it when it is over. The kids have their ways of dealing with it just like I do. Some times I just have to cry it out I guess and while it does make me feel weak I know it makes me feel better when I have cried. I guess it lets me know I am human. I am so grateful that heavenly father is here with me and can carry me when I just feel like I can not go any more. I am grateful for friends that step up to help even though I know they are alone with their kids too and having the same struggles I am. Thank you is all I can say.